something or nothing?
So an ongoing dilemma in my life has been the something vs nothing thing, specifically regarding relationship quality. A friend is currently in a relationship and is wondering whether to break it off or not. My question to her was, what are you giving and what are you getting (or not getting) in this liaison? After much whiffling and waffling, she said she was getting: affection and cuddling, regular phone calls, companionship. I thought it sounded pretty good so far, until she casually mentioned they weren't having sex. She felt like they were an old married couple and they'd only been going out a couple of months. And it wasn't like they had the big incessant bunny-action honeymoon that tapered out quickly. No, this one had never really sparked. tres interessante, non?
So, I sez, how much does the sex matter? (apparently, to her, a lot) And to be perfectly honest, despite trying to remain open-minded about the whole thing, it would matter a lot to me too, particularly so early in the relationship. Yet, she doesn't seem bothered enough to actually break up with the guy. Some of the Girlfriends say he's a free-loader (he's not working, doesn't have much in the way of possessions read: one chair, rarely arrives on time etc etc). Others haul out the give-him-some-time-he's-in-a-rough-patch thing.
I think: is something better than nothing? Is it okay to drift along in a partially satisfying relationship or should one cut it off and remain single? Underlying the whole dilemma for my friend is, of course, the thought that being single is inherently undesirable. For me, I've tried both ways - I've cut off relationships that were going nowhere, and struggled through the breakup blues, and I've also hung onto relationships that were eminently unsatisfactory in one or several dimensions. I can't say I've found one way is better than another, though the older I get, the less interest I have in lingering just for a few hugs or phone calls. I'm starting to play all-or-nothing - mostly because having no relationship has its own cache, to say nothing of a lot more freedom. Apparently 48% of the inhabitants of Manhattan are single people. Are they all choosing nothing rather than something?
So, I sez, how much does the sex matter? (apparently, to her, a lot) And to be perfectly honest, despite trying to remain open-minded about the whole thing, it would matter a lot to me too, particularly so early in the relationship. Yet, she doesn't seem bothered enough to actually break up with the guy. Some of the Girlfriends say he's a free-loader (he's not working, doesn't have much in the way of possessions read: one chair, rarely arrives on time etc etc). Others haul out the give-him-some-time-he's-in-a-rough-patch thing.
I think: is something better than nothing? Is it okay to drift along in a partially satisfying relationship or should one cut it off and remain single? Underlying the whole dilemma for my friend is, of course, the thought that being single is inherently undesirable. For me, I've tried both ways - I've cut off relationships that were going nowhere, and struggled through the breakup blues, and I've also hung onto relationships that were eminently unsatisfactory in one or several dimensions. I can't say I've found one way is better than another, though the older I get, the less interest I have in lingering just for a few hugs or phone calls. I'm starting to play all-or-nothing - mostly because having no relationship has its own cache, to say nothing of a lot more freedom. Apparently 48% of the inhabitants of Manhattan are single people. Are they all choosing nothing rather than something?
posted by zouzou at 9:59 a.m.
4 Comments:
Oops, was just informed that I'd disallowed comments on this post. Have fixed the problem, hope you have an opinion on this!
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OK, so I posted a comment, but then thought about it more and revised it. Here's the new one...
I think there has to be a definite spark and lots and lots of quality there. Ultimately, if the person doesn't rank in the "Top 10 Human Beings in my Life" list, then that person isn't for you.
The sex bit is irrelevant, as long as you both agree on what, when, where and how much works for you.
Personally no sex sounds a little ... yawn!... but whatever... to each their own... (or on her own, as it were!)
But back to the topic... Ultimately, my bottom line is: If the person isn't someone you think adds a deep dimension of quality to your life, then save yourself (and the other person) the hassle. But don't delude yourself by thinking that medicocrity is the answer. :-)
I quite like the idea of no sex in a relationship - but then again, you knew I would! Sex seems to me to be terribly over-rated, and we put huge amounts of pressure on ourselves to "perform". Blame the media, the ad industry, the porn industry, whatever, it all seems too contrived to me. If you're happy spending time with the person and they make you laugh and want to be with you, that sounds good to me.
I always think of it in these terms: "Can I see myself with this person hanging out on the porch in our anecdotages having a nice evening and enjoying good company?" After all, the sexual part of the relationship (Viagra be damned) wilts after awhile so you better have something else to fall back on. But then again, I will be quite happy on the porch on my own - I really just enjoy my own company too. Six of one; half dozen of the other. Or que sera, sera, if you will.
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