Breathing
It struck me last night as I lay in bed between bouts of grabbing Samuels hands - he has eczema and wants to scratch at it all night hence the grabbing - that I haven't had any athsma problems since I gave birth. I had it quite bad at the beginning of my pregnancy but after birthing Sam, it's been completely absent. Yay!
Not that there seems to be much to yay about these days - I have a bad case of the winter blues. Life is meaningless, which I already knew, but I had much more interest in creating meaning than I do now. Then of course my kitty died. and well, it's really dark a lot of the time. I miss the sun. I don't know what I'd do if I lived in Vancouver. And I'm spending all day every day with a human being that thinks fun is walking round and round the kitchen and living room holding my two fingers. It's crazy-making.
I'm trying to manage it. I'm spending more time with my family who are just about the best family a woman could be born into. It helps to have someone else to entertain my favourite monster and just to talk to. But there's still that underlying melancholy. I'm hoping now that the year has turned and the days lengthen that it will start to lift.
I've even started thinking it might be time to find me a man. As if that would make a difference. But who knows? Maybe it would be nice to share my life again. It's been almost a decade. A bad influence has been watching R. and E, who were married earlier this year. He's really a decent guy. So there must be some of them out there. Goddess only knows where. And I'm too depressed to go find one. sigh. I think I've ranted about this before. That's all I need - repetitive ranting. A sure sign of insanity.
Then again, when I got home from a quick dinner out with S last night, Samuel saw me and his face just lit up. My heart broke wide open. It was so beautiful. All that love, just cause I walk round and round the house with him? I'm truly blessed.
Not that there seems to be much to yay about these days - I have a bad case of the winter blues. Life is meaningless, which I already knew, but I had much more interest in creating meaning than I do now. Then of course my kitty died. and well, it's really dark a lot of the time. I miss the sun. I don't know what I'd do if I lived in Vancouver. And I'm spending all day every day with a human being that thinks fun is walking round and round the kitchen and living room holding my two fingers. It's crazy-making.
I'm trying to manage it. I'm spending more time with my family who are just about the best family a woman could be born into. It helps to have someone else to entertain my favourite monster and just to talk to. But there's still that underlying melancholy. I'm hoping now that the year has turned and the days lengthen that it will start to lift.
I've even started thinking it might be time to find me a man. As if that would make a difference. But who knows? Maybe it would be nice to share my life again. It's been almost a decade. A bad influence has been watching R. and E, who were married earlier this year. He's really a decent guy. So there must be some of them out there. Goddess only knows where. And I'm too depressed to go find one. sigh. I think I've ranted about this before. That's all I need - repetitive ranting. A sure sign of insanity.
Then again, when I got home from a quick dinner out with S last night, Samuel saw me and his face just lit up. My heart broke wide open. It was so beautiful. All that love, just cause I walk round and round the house with him? I'm truly blessed.
posted by zouzou at 11:49 a.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home