good livin'

I got one of those emails with statements of life advice in them (do guys send these out? I only ever get them from other women) so in the general spirit of ranting, I thought I'd post them and add my not-so-humble opinion. It occurs to me I can be quite snarky. No wait, let's call that 'razor-edged wit' instead.

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Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. And some days you get to be the falcon lunching on that juicy little pigeon that was crapping all over the statue...

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. If I'm ever that hypocritcal please take me to the nearest river and push me in (I don't swim).

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. If I die I won't really be caring what people think of what I was reading.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. And if your maker calls, it won't matter how carefully you were driving: some other idiot will do you in...

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. ooh, a wee nugget of kindness. Classy too. Love it!

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Amen.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. eh? so does this mean I should be B-A-D?

Never buy a car you can't push. Umm so that would rule out every car ever made except for austin minis or those cute little smart cars. wierd advice. What could it mean?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. Yawn. How about "if you're standing on one leg cause one foot's in your mouth, don't try to shove the other one in too" - If I'm that much of an idiot, just shoot me now.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. I can't think of anything more uncomfortable than dancing while feeling self-conscious or embarassed - I'd change this one to "If you care whether other people think you dance well, don't go to dances, go to a therapist"

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. oy, now I have permission. I'm sure that makes it all okay!

The second mouse gets the cheese. ...so if you're in danger of being killed in a trap, do your best to lure someone else to certain death, and then walk away with the loot? ewww.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. What planet are you from? I'm supposed to AVOID good things coming my way?

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. Not quite, it's the "longer you HAVE lived" - tomorrow might be the day the maker issues a recall on your particular model. Just marking time has never been my idea of a fun way to live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. aww. toe tweet. Pardon me while I gag (delicately, of course)

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. NOW you're talkin! Bring it on, Beulah!

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. And some should never have been made. Who ever thought up ecru, anyway?

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And to end it all, a non-sequitur...