Quitting
I withdrew from my Psychology course today and am feeling inadequate. I've entered "quitter" zone and it isn't sitting well. Our society has so many negative values attached to stopping something before one has finished it - connotations of laziness, ineptitude, or lack of foresight, or plain stupidity.
A sinister little voice is whispering accusingly "You should have known before you started you didn't have time to do this"... "You haven't got what it takes " ... "Maybe you're just too dumb to go to school anymore" ... "You'll never get anywhere in life" ... yikes. I've never tried writing out all the little whispers before. Who knew that voice was so evil? I'm going to have to turn the volume to "off" for that one. We carry our enemies in our own heads. In meditation class last night (which partially led to my decision to withdraw) we were talking about how we project our own perceptions onto reality and act out our karma blindly, unaware of its gears grinding behind our decisions and actions.
Thinking about this, I realized the whole do-my-doctorate thing is yet another of my projections, based on unspoken familial expectations (every one of my four maternal aunts has a PhD or an MD, and most of my cousins have multiple undergrads and at least a Masters). Most of the pressure is my own doing, my parents never make mention of it - directly, anyway, other than to speak wistfully of all the degrees the OTHER aunts/cousins have.
What with my job, (which is blessedly in a lull right now), trying to put my house together, doing community work, providing a modicum of care for my parents, trying to take some time to myself for choir, the odd massage or hair appointment, and staying connected with my friends and family, I don't have time for academics, or exercise for that matter (and that's a whole other rant). And on top of it all, I'm worried about how the stress/anxiety is affecting Baby's anxiety levels.
Am I wrong to ditch this course? should I have finished it? There are no absolute answers. There are no rules. I've lost the money I paid for the course, which is too bad, but not the end of the world. I withdrew in time that it won't show as a "fail" on my record (which is yet another rant) At least now I'll have time for exercise.
hmm. lots of ranting going on in this corner. I know I've done the right thing for me, for my life, right now. The emotional baggage will scream, yell, burble and dissolve away into primordial consciousness. Ultimately the universe isn't judging me on how many letters I have after my name... is it?
A sinister little voice is whispering accusingly "You should have known before you started you didn't have time to do this"... "You haven't got what it takes " ... "Maybe you're just too dumb to go to school anymore" ... "You'll never get anywhere in life" ... yikes. I've never tried writing out all the little whispers before. Who knew that voice was so evil? I'm going to have to turn the volume to "off" for that one. We carry our enemies in our own heads. In meditation class last night (which partially led to my decision to withdraw) we were talking about how we project our own perceptions onto reality and act out our karma blindly, unaware of its gears grinding behind our decisions and actions.
Thinking about this, I realized the whole do-my-doctorate thing is yet another of my projections, based on unspoken familial expectations (every one of my four maternal aunts has a PhD or an MD, and most of my cousins have multiple undergrads and at least a Masters). Most of the pressure is my own doing, my parents never make mention of it - directly, anyway, other than to speak wistfully of all the degrees the OTHER aunts/cousins have.
What with my job, (which is blessedly in a lull right now), trying to put my house together, doing community work, providing a modicum of care for my parents, trying to take some time to myself for choir, the odd massage or hair appointment, and staying connected with my friends and family, I don't have time for academics, or exercise for that matter (and that's a whole other rant). And on top of it all, I'm worried about how the stress/anxiety is affecting Baby's anxiety levels.
Am I wrong to ditch this course? should I have finished it? There are no absolute answers. There are no rules. I've lost the money I paid for the course, which is too bad, but not the end of the world. I withdrew in time that it won't show as a "fail" on my record (which is yet another rant) At least now I'll have time for exercise.
hmm. lots of ranting going on in this corner. I know I've done the right thing for me, for my life, right now. The emotional baggage will scream, yell, burble and dissolve away into primordial consciousness. Ultimately the universe isn't judging me on how many letters I have after my name... is it?
posted by zouzou at 10:30 a.m.
2 Comments:
OK, first things first.
Breathe.
Next, say to yourself, "I am fabulous!" (Aren't you the person who told me that it is OK to look in the mirror and LIKE what you see?? Remember that conversation... less than a week ago??)
You're right about one thing. There are no absolutes. You are also right that your value as a human being does NOT depend on the letters after your name.
You can go back to this course at another time, when the time is right. So, now is not the time. Big deal!
I might remind you that we were both thinking of babies and education at the same. I went for the education (because I'm too chicken to have a baby yet...) and you went for the baby... actually, you thought you'd try your hand at both... and oh, look! The universe has asked you to choose, effectively saying that having one's cake and eating it too is not possible... for now.
You are one of the most fabulous people I know - beautiful, strong, and SUCCESSFUL, among many other things.
Hold thy head high (as thy belly weighs thee down) and stand tall (as you can... knowing you're not much taller than I) and glide ahead, my dear. Many adventures still await you in life... all things in due time.
And by the way, you need a hug right now, so consider this your cyber-hug.
No comment from me could top that one, S... I have to agree whole-heartedly! I roughed myself up pretty badly over quitting a course in '90 after only the first semester. It was Broadcast Electronics. The practical stuff I did well at, but I was dragged down by the math. 1+1=2, sure but when it starts to look like ((743(5)1/4&11qta4))(63+pw*... you get the point, I'm sure. And my problem was not time. I had all the time in the world! The FEELINGS, however were EXACTLY the SAME! So, after staring at that yellow withdrawal page for far too long, I took a deep breath and did something mindless for a while... at least until the next term. I took on something just as challenging, but far more fulfilling. I actually FINISHED a two-year course in Radio Broadcasting. It was hell, but worth every minute. Did I end up in broadcasting? Nope. I now (er, 13 years later?) run my own business in a similar field and feel no guilt what so ever for having sidestepped an industry full of egos and swollen heads. So, whatever path you choose, it may not FEEL right at the time, but in the big picture, the Universe looks out for us all. You will look back on this as a speed bump, perhaps even a crack in the pavement on your path. Acknowledge your friends when you can – they will be there for you. Be well and be blessed.
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