Saturday, January 06, 2007


...of a sort. Samuel is starting to crawl, at last! Here is a picture of him "practising" at my mom's house, a couple of weeks ago. He now crawls using one knee and one foot. It's quite funny. Perhaps he will eventually start using two knees, perhaps not. He still prefers to walk.

I'm thinking about starting to plan to get ready to go to Hawaii next weekend. That's how things are these days. I think "oh, yeah, gotta decide what to pack..." and eventually I make a list (sometimes) of stuff to pack. That morphs into "better gather things to pack" and then "I think it's time to pack" and finally "aaagh! I have to pack NOW!" which is followed by frantic scurrying around throwing things in the general direction of suitcases, usually about 3 days before I leave. The final two days are spent in more scurrying from drug store to department store to wherever else, filling in the gaps. And then the night before a shrug of the shoulders and a decision to buy what I've forgotten. Luckily I rarely have vacationed in a place that has no amenities whatever.

This will be my first vacation with Samuel. We're flying to LA, overnight there, and then off to Hawaii the next morning. The nice thing about that is I'll go through US Customs here in Calgary. At least if I get refused entry I can just take a cab back home, not that I'm expecting to be on their nasty people list. Mind you, we are talking about the Government after all. As far as I can tell there is not often a lot of logic behind their decisions.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


It struck me last night as I lay in bed between bouts of grabbing Samuels hands - he has eczema and wants to scratch at it all night hence the grabbing - that I haven't had any athsma problems since I gave birth. I had it quite bad at the beginning of my pregnancy but after birthing Sam, it's been completely absent. Yay!

Not that there seems to be much to yay about these days - I have a bad case of the winter blues. Life is meaningless, which I already knew, but I had much more interest in creating meaning than I do now. Then of course my kitty died. and well, it's really dark a lot of the time. I miss the sun. I don't know what I'd do if I lived in Vancouver. And I'm spending all day every day with a human being that thinks fun is walking round and round the kitchen and living room holding my two fingers. It's crazy-making.

I'm trying to manage it. I'm spending more time with my family who are just about the best family a woman could be born into. It helps to have someone else to entertain my favourite monster and just to talk to. But there's still that underlying melancholy. I'm hoping now that the year has turned and the days lengthen that it will start to lift.

I've even started thinking it might be time to find me a man. As if that would make a difference. But who knows? Maybe it would be nice to share my life again. It's been almost a decade. A bad influence has been watching R. and E, who were married earlier this year. He's really a decent guy. So there must be some of them out there. Goddess only knows where. And I'm too depressed to go find one. sigh. I think I've ranted about this before. That's all I need - repetitive ranting. A sure sign of insanity.

Then again, when I got home from a quick dinner out with S last night, Samuel saw me and his face just lit up. My heart broke wide open. It was so beautiful. All that love, just cause I walk round and round the house with him? I'm truly blessed.